You may not realize how much a difficult family member can impact your life or your other more significant relationships. Often, we assume the stress just goes with the territory, that it's simply a by product of sharing our blood and our history with other people. This is a common misconception and it can be harmful if you don't recognize the truth of the situation - it is not just normal, run-of-the-mill family stress that all of us encounter regularly in our daily lives, especially when it comes to in-laws. This is the kind of stress that's chronic; it's ongoing and there's a significant detrimental effect on either your emotional or your physical well-being. This toxic environment can also begin to impair your relationship with other family members, with your spouse and friends or even the relationships at work. Of course, there's a real need for self-care here as well, but sometimes even recognizing that you're under this type of stress can be difficult. It's very easy to tell yourself that you can handle the problem, that you don't need to distance yourself from the person causing you internal stress or that, if you just took one more instance of abuse, it would get better on its own. However, the longer you expose yourself to that type of negative toxicity and stress, the more likely you are to develop chronic conditions such as anxiety, depression, and even a serious medical condition. So not only is it important to understand and recognize the acute and chronic effects of negative relationships and the importance of self-care, but it's also important to understand the benefits of setting those personal and emotional boundaries for the health of you and your other predominant personal relationships. By developing and maintaining compassionate but firm logical limits with the difficult family member, the first idea is to prevent further abuse to yourself and to protect the health of both body and mind. Second, also to foster the health of other relationships because the toxic nature of the dynamic between yourself and a difficult family member can very easily bleed over and harm other family or personal relationships. Lastly, it provides the firm foundation to end the enabling, to end the cycles of negative behaviour and put the difficult family member on notice that constructive and meaningful resolution is the only path to a full and restored relationship. All of these components have one thing in common - your health, whether it's your emotional, your physical, or even your mental well-being, all of these things have to be put first and setting boundaries is a paramount way to start doing that for yourself.
In some cases, recognizing the person's impact is pretty straightforward. For example, it's easier to see that someone's causing you harm if you're being insulted, threatened, or intimidated. However, the effects of emotional abuse tend to be quite a bit more subtle and harder to recognize. You might not be aware that there's anything wrong with the way you're being treated, or you might be so used to constant criticism or unreasonable demands from the person that you've learned to kind of keep yourself in a defensive posture. This can be especially true if you've had to deal with a difficult family member over many years. You might not realize that someone's behaviour is creating constant stress in your life and you've become so accustomed to feeling stressed that it just seems normal. You might not recognize that you're feeling depressed or hopeless, or that it's hard to find things that make you happy. It's interesting to note that even if someone's behaviour hasn't caused you any negative effects yet, you still have the right to set boundaries with that person. And the reason is that we all have a need for comfort and security in our relationships with other people, regardless of what kind of relationship it is. This is called having a need for "relational autonomy," and all it means is the right to make your own choices about how to be involved in a relationship with someone else, or even whether to be involved in that relationship at all. I think when people talk about the need to set boundaries, they often focus on how it's a way of keeping ourselves safe from the harmful actions of others. And that's true, but it's good to remember that it's also about recognizing and affirming our own needs and our desires for the kind of relationship that we want to have with others. So, even if you haven't experienced any negative effects from someone's behaviour yet, recognizing that those negative effects may occur in the future is also a valid reason for setting boundaries. By recognizing the impact of a difficult family member and acknowledging that their behaviour is creating stress or negativity in your life, you're already taking an important step towards understanding what your boundaries need to be. Because, after all, your boundaries are all about what you need in order to feel safe, joyful, and fulfilled in your life.
Many individuals may struggle to recognize when their emotional, mental, or physical health is affected by a difficult family member. Additionally, even when the negative influence is acknowledged, some may still succumb to guilt or minimize the impact. This is particularly true for individuals who have grown up with such dysfunction and formed a 'normal' state based on chronic stress or emotional neglect. However, as difficult as it can be to break away from such harmful state of being, recognizing the need for self-care is an essential first step towards recovery. This is because the practice of self-care helps to cultivate a nurtured and balanced 'true self', which can be resilient against the onslaught of a difficult person. By acknowledging that the influence of a difficult family member is detrimental and taking the right steps to prioritize self-care, one begins the transition from a passive 'surviving' mode, and moves towards the active process of 'healing' and 'thriving'. In essence, self-care should not be seen or dismissed as self-indulgence. Rather, it is a transformative and empowering practice that forms the foundation of setting effective boundaries and restorative personal growth. The following are some examples of self-care strategies that may help an individual to establish a healthy balance in life:
i. Engaging in a healthy and fulfilling social life or recreational activities that are independent from the difficult family member.
ii. Seeking professional support through therapy or counselling, which provides an opportunity for reflection and self-discovery in a safe and non-judgmental environment.
iii. Maintaining physical health through regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient rest, which are essential in preserving emotional stability and stress tolerance. iv. Nurturing personal interests or hobbies that bring joy and a sense of achievement, and that these positive experiences can form a solid ground against negativity. v. Allowing leisure time to simply 'be', as escaping from a hectic or pressured routine fosters mindfulness and self-awareness.
First and most important, make sure you recognize that your boundaries are legitimate. It can be hard to assert your needs if you do not truly believe you have the right to them. If you experience feelings of guilt, remind yourself that boundaries are a normal and necessary part of all healthy relationships. Empower yourself with the knowledge that setting boundaries is a skill that takes time to develop, and be proud of yourself for taking the steps to make your and your family's lives happier and healthier. When communications start to become strained and emotions start to run high, remind yourself, and the other party should this come up, that you are coming from a place of care for the family, and bolstering the relationships between its members. A sense of family unity helps to achieve a sense of harmony and love among all concerned, and is itself a good result of setting boundaries. Establishing boundaries is likely to leave all parties feeling upset or uneasy but this is normal and as long as you maintain a sense of positivity and openness, and please remember to exercise self-care. Also, if you are in a situation where you can be affected by a difficult family member, set the boundaries with them but be open, receptive and kind to the remainder of your family. It is not fair for those who care for you to feel shut out or pushed away, and making a visible demonstration of your respect and love for the non-toxic family in your life will amp up the pressure on the toxic family member to change their actions. However, your health and well-being must always remain your first priority. For example, should you be confronted about the new boundaries you have been assertive enough to put in place, remaining honest and open will show that the decision was not taken lightly and has been made in everybody's interests. This can help to remind a difficult family member that they are loved and kept in mind - just not at the expense of your own needs.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. When setting boundaries with a difficult family member, it's important to clearly explain the behaviours that upset us, why they are unacceptable, and clearly state what the consequences will be if they refuse to respect those boundaries. Start by using 'I' statements to express your feelings instead of placing blame. For example, "I feel disrespected when you shout at me in front of the family." This allows you to assert yourself without being accused of being critical. You can then begin to describe the behaviour that is causing the issue. Try to give specific examples of when the behaviour has made you feel uncomfortable or upset. This can prevent the person from dismissing your concerns and makes it more difficult for them to deny there's a problem. From there, you need to explain what will happen if your boundaries are not respected. Be clear and specific about what actions you will take and make sure you follow through if the behaviour continues. For example, you might tell a family member "If I am sworn at, I will leave the room." This makes your expectations obvious and gives the person a chance to manage their own behaviour. Remember, it's not always necessary to give a warning about the consequences of their actions, this is only needed when you feel comfortable doing so and you fear that your boundaries are being seriously disrespected. If the encounters with the person continue to be overwhelming or overly stressful, it may be helpful to discuss the issue in the presence of a professional. They can offer their impartial expertise and help to mediate the conversation in a constructive manner. Any professional working within a supportive or caring setting will be obliged to uphold a high standard of confidentiality. This means that your privacy and right to respect will be ensured provided you have capacity to give informed consent for this to be breached. However, the safety of others and in particular children and young people may then need to be prioritized. This is a positive thing: it proves that their duty of care lies with you and by seeking support from a professional, your wishes will be taken increasingly seriously. Reassure the person that you only want to make things better and that you're all there to work towards a happier family and positive outcomes.
After clearly communicating your needs and expectations and identifying your consequences for crossing boundaries, you should communicate these consequences to your difficult family member. This will not only allow your difficult family member to better understand the potential results of crossing your boundaries, but also to appreciate the fact that you considered the potential results that might help both of you, since the relationship is important too. Also, this kind of communication involves both of you in the new boundary-setting practice-transitioning. It will help your difficult family member understand that you are serious about your words, which could possibly give your difficult family member pressure on not crossing your boundaries on purpose; instead of acting like they forget your boundaries or your consequences which lead you to redefine your boundaries again. On the other hand, the responsibility for your difficult family member's actions is now shifted to your difficult family member themselves. This is crucial, since most probably your difficult family member might be used to blame someone else for what they have done; and they might make the same mistake over and over again without even realizing it. However, it is important that you need to ensure that any consequences you establish are fair and enforceable, and that you are fully prepared to act on them. This means that do not make any arbitrary or dramatic warnings that you do not intend to enforce. If you do not act on the consequences you have established, your boundaries will not be taken seriously. Also, an empty or broken threat is unlikely to change your difficult family member's behaviour, and it may actually make your difficult family member's behaviour worse. Always keep in mind that you cannot control your difficult family member's response to your implementation of consequences. What you really can do is to think about what kinds of reaction your difficult family member might have and to prepare for the worst scenario. Also, stay true to your words and do not allow guilt or compassion to influence the application of your established consequences. It may be difficult, but persevering with your boundary-setting strategies will be worthwhile in the end. And remember, once an unwanted behaviour is not being rewarded, it will eventually extinguish. The key idea of this strategy is to enforce your boundary by helping your difficult family member to build stronger self-control ability, hence you should stand firm with any consequences result from their inappropriate behaviours, no matter how your difficult family member react to it.
It can be helpful to seek support from other family members or professionals when dealing with a difficult family member. Sometimes, other family members might also be affected, and they might be able to provide support to you or perhaps even talk to the difficult family member. For example, if the difficult family member is your parent, you might want to talk to your other parent if they are in the picture. Or you might seek help from close family friends or relatives. If the situation does not improve, you may consider involving professionals such as therapists, lawyers or social workers. You should also consider involving professionals if the difficult family member is a risk to your safety, or causing you significant distress. Professionals are trained to help you in a way that will be beneficial for your mental health and for dealing with the issue. They can provide you with personalised help, and sometimes even organise family therapy sessions or write official letters to help you in your situation. However, it is important to realise that seeking help from professionals is a big step and may potentially lead to a strained relationship with the difficult family member. You should carefully weigh up your options and come to a decision that suits you and your specific situation. Remember not to push yourself too hard, only you know how much you can cope with.
So, how do you maintain and enforce the boundaries you have set? One key strategy is consistency. When you consistently enforce the boundaries you have established, the difficult family member is more likely to eventually accept and respect them. It is important to remember that every time you have to enforce a consequence for the family member crossing your boundaries is an opportunity for you to demonstrate consistency for them. This does not mean that you have to be perfect, but it is beneficial for you to try to be as consistent as possible. Another valuable approach is to practice assertiveness and self-advocacy. This means being able to confidently express what you need and want, including setting and maintaining boundaries, while also being respectful to yourself and others. You might find that learning and practicing these skills in your personal and professional life can increase your ability to deal assertively with a difficult family member. It is important to remember that a lack of assertiveness can lead to feelings of powerlessness, and ultimately can be detrimental to both your psychological and physical health. When you advocate for yourself, you are likely to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence. This applies when you're maintaining or enforcing a boundary, and also when you're setting a new one. Learning to respect your own boundaries and self-worth is an important aspect of maintaining and enforcing the boundaries that are necessary when dealing with a difficult family member. You have the right to self-care, and to feel safe and secure in your relationships. Recognizing and acting on this can be a key element in your efforts to maintain mental and emotional well-being.
Consistency in setting and reinforcing boundaries is key to actually making them work. Boundaries mean nothing if you continually reinforce a consequence one day and not the next. If one day the consequence of your mother calling you names is that she has to leave your home and the next day it's that you just go to your room for a little bit, your mother will get confused and think that she can push the boundaries. By fostering an erratic home environment with ever-changing consequences for crossing boundaries, you are not only letting your family member maintain control by keeping you on edge and in stress mode, but you are also reinforcing the idea that you need to work to please others. This is a negative cycle that is hard to break and can have long-term damaging effects on your mental and physical health. So, what does it mean to be consistent with boundaries? First and foremost, it means you have to know what your boundaries are, what consequence you associate with them being crossed, and you have to communicate those clearly to the other person. It's likely you have a lot of personal boundaries at the moment, especially if you are new to the idea of placing them. Try to work on one at a time and remember that it's healthy - normal even - to appreciate some flexibility on every boundary at certain times. Boundaries are there to help you and others around you respect your mental and physical health, not to create a concrete way of behaving for every second of the rest of your life.
Finally, it takes time and practice to learn how to be appropriately assertive. There are many self-help books and workbooks on learning to be assertive that you can look up. Your mental health provider may also offer therapy or workshops focused on learning to be assertive. These options can be useful and help show you that you are not alone. They can provide you with more strategies on how to be assertive and work through the barriers to assertiveness. Learning to set boundaries takes time. It is a way of thinking and a way of acting. You also have to be able to trust the people in your life and be confident that setting boundaries will not destroy the relationship, whether it is with your partner, your parents, your children, your friends, or your boss. But it is empowering to know that you have a right to be treated with respect and that you can protect yourself. And practicing self-advocacy can also help you to feel more self-reliant and positive about your life.
Besides supporting the other ways described in previous chapters, respecting your own boundaries is another fundamental step to have a firm relationship with your family member. It is important that we learn to value our needs and limits. We have to truly understand that it is okay to say no when people want us to do something that we do not feel comfortable to do. This applies to most of the people; especially those who were raised in a dysfunctional family. Often, we were taught or made to feel guilty when we do not fulfil the expectations from others. Therefore, we must first acknowledge our needs and the capacity to say no to others. Then, we have to differentiate and make sure that our needs and limits are being respected. Frankly, at the beginning when we first start building boundaries, we need to be firm and consistent so that our family members would know that this is a serious issue. There is no exception. Maybe they do not like the way we start to say no on things that we do not comfortable with. However, slowly they will understand us and our true willingness to change the relationship for a better degree. We must not allow them to affect our emotions and feelings just because they are not happy with what we do. Stick to what we believe allows our confidence to grow and solidify our boundaries. It is important to acknowledge that, when boundaries starting to lay down, tension, stress or anger might surface from our family members. In time of this, be kind to ourselves and have self-compassion. We may reach out for support from friends or professionals if we feel that we are being pressured or treated unfairly by the family members. Remember, boundaries are not merely to set up a space between you and your family member. Instead, it aims to create a healthy and reasonable connection so that both parties are able to live their life to the fullest.
Over time, you may find that your life circumstances change, that the difficult family member is showing signs of positive change, or that your boundaries simply aren't optimized for your overall wellbeing. In these cases, it's important to re-evaluate your boundaries and make any necessary adjustments. Many experts recommend regular self-reflection, perhaps monthly or weekly, to assess how well you're upholding your boundaries and to identify any adjustments that may be necessary. Don't be afraid to adjust or even revoke a particular boundary if you feel it no longer serves you or the situation. Life is always changing, and your boundaries can, too. This is especially true if the difficult family member in question is actually making an effort to respect your boundaries and communicate in a more positive, goal-oriented fashion. A willingness to adjust and even revoke a particular boundary can be an important first step in re-establishing trust and goodwill with the individual in question. Making these sorts of adjustments may involve a certain degree of self-advocacy, especially if the individual has a history of ignoring your boundaries or attempting to manipulate you. Trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals can be invaluable in providing the insight and courage necessary to adjust unhealthy boundaries. Most importantly, be kind to yourself in this ongoing process. Recognizing the need for a boundary adjustment is a powerful act of self-care, and it's one that's well worth nurturing over time. By regularly evaluating your boundaries, practicing mindful communication, and surrounding yourself with a supportive network of people, you'll be better equipped to steer clear of enabling or codependent relationships while cultivating a deeper sense of self-awareness and security.